It's not the easiest topic for us ladies to talk about, but I have decided to put myself out there for the sake of possibly helping others, while I help myself through navigating this frustrating, and sometimes depressing, situation. This is my journey, and my story. I'm happy for you to come along.
So to get started, let's be real for one second, as soon as you get married, the questions and comments start pouring in. "So, when will you be having kids?" "Do you want kids?" "Your kids will be SO cute!" (sorry, I threw that one in there for selfish reasons, ;) ) And so on and so forth. And though many people are doing this out of love (I'm pretty sure ALL of them are) and don't mean to be hurtful, at some point, after a few years, it becomes a frustrating conversation to have. Instead of hiding behind it, I've decided to embrace it and talk about it. I feel like there are so many couples dealing with this issue, and sometimes, we feel there is no one to talk about it with.
Ascander and I were lucky enough to meet 8 years ago, and this upcoming April,we'll be married for 3 years! Though I have had some really rough times during our marriage (grieving over my brothers loss about did me in) my marriage to Ascander has been Heaven sent. I feel truly blessed to have a handsome, kind, funny husband and true partner in this life. If I never get anything else in this life, I can say I was married to my best friend. To me, that would truly be enough.
When it came down to kids, we decided to wait at least a year after we married, so we could enjoy one another's company before bringing a tan, big haired baby into the mix. I decided to come off of birth control last April (2014), for our one year anniversary (so romantic!) and then we could begin trying. And, not going to lie, the trying is the fun part! Obviously! However, after a few months, I realized that year might not have been the best time. I was honestly hoping that after all of the grief and rough stuff we had been going through, maybe God would bless us with a bouncing baby, and bring joy back into our lives.
After a few months, and lots of ovulation tests that came back positive (which is a good thing), I decided to just stop doing that. I don't know if I just got discouraged, or lazy, or what, but I stopped tracking my ovulation (because, boring!) and we just went on our merry (and married) business. We said, "Ok, January 2015, we're going to start trying for REAL, for real again." So, the first week of January, we started trying to make our family again. I honestly thought, this will all come naturally, don't worry.
Fast forward to April, and we still hadn't conceived. Again, I reached a point of frustration and disappointment. I honestly feel like my body is working against me, and so part of this journey, is to figure out how to love myself again. However, at that time, I stopped using the ovulation tests again. I mean, bearing the burden of peeing on a stick every morning to see if "today is a good day to have sex!" starts to take it's toll on you. I don't know if sometimes you feel like the weight of all of it is on YOUR shoulders and YOURS alone, but I started just feeling stressed about it all. Like, "Ok, body, you gotta make things happen, and if you don't, ANOTHER month will go by."
So, fast forward again to September of 2015. We decided to take it very seriously this time around, no matter what. I am very thankful that I have a husband that is willing to do all the nitty gritty with me, and make me realize I'm NOT alone in this. So many people don't even have that, so I have no problem counting my blessings in all of this. In September I had blood work done to see how my follicle count was. Most of the jargon and words used during these tests, confused me even more, but I muddled through it. Thank God for Google! My tests came back that my follicle count is mid to low. It's not LOW but it's not all that great either. Measuring how many follicles you have is a good indication of how much ovarian reserve (or eggs) that you have. And of course, during our lifetime, we shed some of those eggs during our period each month, so the reserve gets depleted each cycle. Yay for that! (insert eye roll)
So now, this is where we are. Each month we're tracking ovulation, I've gone to our OBGYN more times then I'd like to admit, and have already spent quite a bit of money on pills and shots, to boost my ovarian reserve and ovulation. My last Dr. appointment I nearly had an anxiety attack. Actually, maybe I did, it was pretty bad. I'm already spinning lots of plates with everything going on in my life and at work, and this seems to just be yet another plate, to add to the mix. A plate we want, granted, but a plate none the less. I decided from that moment on, no more Dr's appointments alone until we can get everything figured out. Each Dr's appointment is painful,lonely, cold (for some reason) and anxiety inducing. They say not to stress while you're trying to conceive, then they make you sit there for 2 hours waiting and THEN put you through procedures you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.
So, that's what's going on with me. We're doing everything we can do conceive naturally, but if that doesn't work, I'm going to be trying other methods, and I'll be sharing those as well. We may have to beg, borrow and steal, but we'll see. No matter what, I know God has a perfect plan, and I'm going to try my darndest to be OK with that plan!
Because this blog is all about being intentional with your life, and stopping the comparison game, I wanted to share this very intentional journey with you. I'll be keeping you up to date with eating tips, exercise regimens, stress reducers, and some other fun intentional stuff while we're on this journey (like redecorating on a budget, simplifying, and the best skin care I have used!). If I can open up this conversation, I really want to. Life has a way of throwing curve balls at you, but I'm diving for this one. I decided, I'm not going to be scared of this and discouraged, I'm going to be brave and if you are in the same boat, let's be brave together. Please leave me a comment if you are dealing with these issues yourself, and if you have any tips and tricks to get through it. I'll share all I can while on this journey. All of my love goes to you dealing with infertility on any level. Let's do this!
Hopeful in all things,
Danae (& Ascander)